It is a good idea for the parents
to sit down with the children to discuss the issue of divorce. Some parents
choose to do this with all of the children at one time. Others find it is
better to do so with each child one at a time. This is often due to age
differences as well as the individual personalities of each child.
The responsibility of telling the
children about the divorce should never fall on the shoulders of only one
parent. A united front needs to be displayed from the start of it. The children
will feel more secure hearing the information from both of their parents rather
than just one of them.
The children don’t need to know
all of the details of why the parents are divorcing. It shouldn’t turn into a
blame game where each of the parents tries to get the children to take their
side in the matter. What they do need to know is that their parents won’t be
staying together and how that is going to affect them.
Give children time to take in the
information that is taking place. Even though they likely have an idea that
things aren’t going well in the home, they may be shocked by the idea of a
divorce. Let them know they can come to either parent with questions that they
may have about it.
It can be a good idea to have
another meeting with both parents and all the children or each child one on one
a couple of weeks later. That will give the children some time to deal with
their thoughts about the divorce. They may be more ready to talk about it now
than they were when you first told them about it.
Be ready to offer your children
more support during the divorce process. Some children act out in anger because
of it. Others many become withdrawn due to their emotions. It is important that
their needs are addresses as too many parents are too wrapped up in their own
feelings over a divorce to provide their children with the support they need.
Older children may press for more
information as to why the divorce is taking place. Parents need to have a plan
of action as to how they will handle such questions. If one of the adults has
been having an affair you may decide it is best not to disclose that information
to the children. This is a personal choice that you need to make before you sit
down to talk about the divorce with the children though.
Parents need to come to terms
with the concepts of the divorce before the children are approached though. The
children need to be reassured that they will be fine through all of it. That
can’t happen if they get the impression that their parents aren’t okay with
what is going to be taking place.
Try to share some basic plans
with the children as well. For example you need to tell them what the living
arrangements will be. You also need to let them know when the changes will be
taking place. This way they can start to prepare for what is ahead of them.
When children are involved in
what is going on with a divorce they tend to deal with it better. They don’t
feel like they are just being thrown into the middle of what is going on. A
divorce is never easy for anyone, especially when children are involved. Yet it
can be a process everyone gets through if you are willing to put your
differences aside and work together to come up with a good solution for
everyone.
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