Some children are so young when
their parents divorce that they don’t ever remember them being together. Others
are old enough to always remember what took place. They will recall what they
were doing when they found out about it and how it affected them. It is
important for parents to understand that children of various ages will deal
with divorce differently.
This means you are going to need
to prepare yourself for what each of your children will understand about the
process. For some children it is nothing more than knowing that their dad won’t
be living in the same house with them. For others it is a complete change of
life from the way they have always known it. On top of all of that, children of
the same age group will also look at the divorce process differently.
Understanding the feelings of
your children and how they relate to a divorce is extremely important. Very
young children, even those that aren’t old enough to talk yet can understand
the emotions of people. They can often identify issues such as stress, tension,
and they definitely know when their parents are upset.
As a result of this their own
behaviors may change. They may cling to one or both of their parents. They may
not want to go to strangers. Temper tantrums as well as crying are common. A
young child may exhibit changes in their eating and sleeping patterns as well.
Children from about three years
of age to around five will be able to verbalize some questions about the divorce.
They will often notice that the other person isn’t around like they used to be.
They may pose questions such as why the other parent doesn’t go to the park
with them or whey they live someplace else.
Children that are from the age of
six to about eleven will likely know someone who has divorced parents. They
will likely know what the term means. However, that doesn’t mean they are going
to readily accept it. Be ready for some changes in behavior as well as some
very tough questions.
Displays of anger are very common
with this age group as the children are simply overwhelmed by their emotions.
They may lack the skills to effectively be able to handle what has been taking
place. Do your best to get them to talk about it even if they aren’t sure what
they are feeling or why.
Older children who are from
twelve and up often understand more about divorce than any other age group.
They may blame themselves or attempt to find more detailed answers as to what
was taking place. Chances are that this older age group was well aware of some
issues in the marriage before the announcement of the divorce entered the
picture.
It is very common for children in
this age group to be angry at one parent and to want to be a caregiver for the
other. Do your best to get your child to see both parents as equals. If you can
offer a united front as far as the divorce and caring for the children though
it will be easier for them to do so. Children don’t need to be your confidante
when it comes to the divorce. Turn to another adult for someone to listen or to
a professional counselor.
Children of various ages will
deal with divorce differently and parents need to be aware of it. This is going
to be a huge change for each person involved. Adults need to get a handle on
their own emotions though so that they can focus their energy on meeting the
needs of their children.
How you approach things with your
children during the divorce process is going to affect them for the rest of
their lives. With that in mind work hard to have a relationship with your ex on
some level. Even if it is nothing more than a hello and goodbye when you
exchange the children, the kids will notice it.
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